My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
