How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just pee around me
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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