I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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