I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
