The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
