If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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