Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
