Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
