I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
