one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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