why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
