i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
