Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
the liver wants what the liver wants
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
