he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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