My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
