I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
