we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He shit in the fireplace
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
