Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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