forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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