i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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