My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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