cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
