I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
