My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
