I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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