My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
