can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
