I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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