Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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