I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
