i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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