He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
