im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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