just come out here and I will go home with you...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
