Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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