The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
my poor anus
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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