I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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