guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
