The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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