Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
