I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize