i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
