The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My ATM looks so different sober.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
