when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
