The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Let's get the cat blown out
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
