Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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