Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
