Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
