hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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