I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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