I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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