I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
