can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
