The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
