What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm at about main and main street
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
