I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
