Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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