if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
