If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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