the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
