Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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