I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
