shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
