It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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